Right, first off, even that title pisses me off. It's fucking CHRISTMAS - not 'the holiday season' or whatever you dumb cunts keep trying to change it to!

I'm not religious, but even I know it's bloody Christmas!

Stop. It.

This year, I've managed to do almost all my CHRISTMAS shopping online. I'm sure most others will be able to say the same.

So how in the blue-knobbed CHRIST are you all still pissing about in the shops like a bunch...

MrFiction

I'm sure this will be a world-wide thing that happens, and it's not just us poor Brits who have to suffer it.

So you're out shopping - either walking around a shopping centre (or 'mall' if you're a Merkin), or pushing your trolley around a super-meer-kat (the little furry bugger shouldn't be in your way anyway!), and you're suddenly pounced upon by some shady Tit-Rag who was standing to the side like some kind of hungry buzzard.

...

MrFiction

Monday morning and it's The Great Deluge here in totally-un-sunny Redditch. This will probably be my last blog due to drowning. Meh!

I'm still on the Bandit 650 hire bike, and nobody has called to say they even want to look at my twisted ZX9R to try to fix it. With the Bandit being an upright bike, it's the last thing I want for Winter because it's -ing FREEZING having all the wind and rain hitting me full in the chest!

...

MrFiction

We always hear some Big Camp Queen crying and moaning through his big fat emo mouth that it's not his fault he was born gay!

Absolute bollocks. It may 'not be his fault' that he's gay, but he wasn't born one, either!

Being homosexual is a CHOICE.

"Oh, but MrFiction, NOBODY would CHOOSE to be gay! Look at all the trouble and pain it causes them!"

*SMACK*

Shut your bitch-ass mouth and think about what you're saying!...

MrFiction

You didn't think I'd let this day pass without bitchslapping it around the back of the head, did you? You DID? Shame on you!

I used to like Halloween. I still do, I guess... but all you fuckers are getting it all WRONG and ruining it!!!

It's a pagan festival, where in England we all traditionally dress in masks with lanterns and go out and beat Priests and Vicars to death.

OK, so that might not be true, but either way it's supposed to be scary and...

MrFiction