I've played guitar forever.

Cairns plays violin in Rugby orchestra. Or at least that's what a security guard in Nottingham told me.I was looking for him one night and rounded a bend at the Cornerhouse, which is round, to find him miming bowing to two very confused looking people in crap uniforms.

The older bloke said "Is that your mate?"
I said "........yeah"
He said "Does he play violin for Rugby orchestra?" but he didn't...

Mr Rooty Tooty

We were there for two nights.

We went to Asda to stock up. I spent triple what everyone else spent and they seemed to suggest that all was well in the world due to that. £80 on supplies, which contained a four pack of Red Stripe, a crate of Heineken and 3 bottles of red wine. Plus steak.

I didn't have the heart to say that I would have grabbed a bottle of Jack if Barclays hadn't rang me on Thursday sounding somewhat troubled.

Swando is the only man I...

Mr Rooty Tooty